hard day.....

well. friday was quite a rough day. :( thursday we went to our regular monthly appointment at mckay dee and the doctor said she is growing PERFECT and looks good. she is passing her non stress tests as well which is GREAT! so we left there very happy and upbeat about things. then came our monthly appointment at primary childrens on friday. :( i am not a very big fan of these appointments just because i'm a wuss and don't like to lay flat on my back for an hour and a half while they do an echo on her heart. ya. i'm a wuss. anyways....after an hour and a half of getting pics of her heart we go into a room so the specialist can tell us what she saw/didn't see. well, from the very first appointment that we went to down there they said that one of the MAIN things they would be looking for over time would be the vessels that go from her heart to her lungs. this is quite major when it comes to the surgery(ies) that they will have to do. well, we were told that unfortunately these vessels were not found..... :( as soon as i heard this i just LOST it. as the doctor continues talking i am basically not hearing a word that she is saying. there were SO many things running through my mind at this point. i guess during this time we were also told that one of her valves should basically be two and it's one. and she continued talking....me crying.... then she says....do you have any other questions? i didn't even ATTEMPT to ask because it wouldn't come out. i had SO many questions but didn't want to hear the answers.... then she left the room and the social worker and RN sat there for a minute. then the RN began to talk....and all i heard from her was...."i know it's hard but don't plan on holding your baby once she is born. they will probably just take her right out." ........then came the tears....again......... what mother wants to hear that she can not hold or even possibly see this little angel that she has been carrying for the last 9 months?!?! that right there was my breaking point....it HONESTLY just KILLS me to even THINK about this. but i guess this is something that we have to deal with. if me not seeing her means that she gets the care she needs then i am more than willing to sacrafice that. it is one of the hardest things i will have to go through.... there will definately be a waterfall of emotions once she is here.... we are just trying to be positive. it's hard. but we have to do it. i think now that we are only 6 weeks away it has hit us a little harder. but like i said....we are praying and hoping for the BEST for our baby girl. it's hard to say but heavenly father knows what is best for us and only gives us what we can handle. this is a trial that we are suppose to go through. and we will. .......well sorry for the story book! i just thought i'd keep you updated on what is going on..... and i will try to continue to do so! hope everyone is doing well!